Category Archives for coaching

How to find the love you deserve (part I)

Overcome negative relationship patterns

 

Do you keep going out with  the same kind of man / woman ? Do you feel stuck in a rut where you keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again and end up broken-hearted ? Find out what type of “relationship repeater” you are.

THE IDEALISER:

  • You are drawn to partners with a particular physical type, appearance, professional status (whether it’s a great job or no job at all), level of ambition, or age.
  • You prioritize external characteristics above all else.
  • You place more importance on sexual attractiveness than emotional attractiveness.
  • You see your partner as a reflection of yourself.
  • You harbour the fantasy that someone with the appearance or professional status you are drawn to will be enough to make you happy.
  • You eventually end up feeling like you have little in common with your partner by the end of the relationship.
  • Your relationship consistently end because you don’t place a sufficient priority on the internal, emotional characteristics of your partners.

ASK YOURSELF: 

  1. How would someone describe your professional and physical type? Write down these external characteristics.
  2. Has anyone ever idealised any of your external characteristics? Did you feel truly appreciated when they did that?
  3. Why do you think it’s tempting to idealise external characteristics?
  4. Can you think of people you know who repeat this pattern?
  5. What are some emotional attributes that are worthy of more attention in the beginning of a relationship?
  6. Write them down and keep this list for later.

THE EMOTIONAL CHASER:

  • You tend to have partners who ultimately won’t commit and settle down, who cheat on you, or whom you put on a pedestal.
  • You are usually more emotionally committed to your relationship than your partner is.
  • You feel like your partner has all the control and power in the relationship.
  • You often feel less worthy than your partner, as if your partner were more interesting or desirable than you
  • You believe you have to work hard to keep them interested because you feel that they could very easily slide through your fingers and slip away.
  • You try to shape yourself into being what you think your partner wants.
  • You notice that your partners always seem to have excuses for why they can’t make more time for you or why they don’t want to take the relationship to the next level.
  • You feels like you’re waiting and hoping for your partner to realise that you are the one they really want.
  • You have a hard time imagining yourself settling for a love that is anything less than romantic and intense.
  • You see your partners as too good for you, better than you, or unattainable.
  • What motivates you is the prospect that if you can attain the love and affection of your lover you can finally experience the bliss of feeling good enough.
  • You are trying to prove to unavailable partners that you are good enough, that you are worth settling down for, you are on a mission to win the love of unavailable partners.

ASK YOURSELF

  1. Whose affection and love you have worked hard to get but have never fully received?
  2. How did the chase end? Did you get what you wanted?
  3. What was the most difficult part of the situation to accept?
  4. Looking back, was the chasing done in pursuit of a specific person, or did it become about something bigger?

THE RESCUER:

  • You regularly attach yourself to partners who are emotionally unstable in some way.
  • You focus on and worry about your partner more than they do about themselves.
  • You repeatedly finds yourself with partners who at first seem to be sweet and have great potential (while also being slightly helpless or misguided), but before long reveal themselves to be emotionally volatile or unstable, aggressive and controlling, unhappy, or unable to cope with some aspect of their lives.
  • You often believe that love trumps everything and that ending a relationship would mean giving up on or abandoning the person you love.
  • You desperately try to help your partner but, at root, you are trying to change them
  • You tend to have partners with histories of anxiety, depression, or substance abuse.
  • You come from a family in which you felt the need to take care of a parent or sibling, or in which there was a high level of turmoil and drama.
  • You have invested all of your energy in the fantasy of who your boyfriend / girlfriend could become in the future as opposed to banking on who they are in the here-and-now. You have a fantasy that your love could transform them.
  • You don’t realise you’re supposed to be a partner — not a therapist or a life coaches.
  • You eventually start to feel crazy or to doubt yourself thinking the problem might lie in you.
  • You tend to be very strong, resilient, highly intuitive, sensitive, and giving .
  • You seek partners that are emotionally broken and dysfunctional, helpless,  who can never ultimately rise to the occasion,  wounded souls that can also be controlling, erratic, and emotionally volatile.

ASK YOURSELF 

  1.  Have you ever tried to rescue a wounded soul? If so, which type? If not, why do you believe this is one pattern you wouldn’t fall into?
  2. Can you recall a time when you got to know someone and could see that he or she was emotionally broken? How did that affect your developing friendship or relationship? How should it affect your developing relationship?
  3. What might the appeal be of forging a relationship with a wounded soul? Why would a person fall for someone who is broken?
  4. What are the essential differences between a wounded soul and the average man with typical imperfections?
  5. Do You Have a Fix-It Mindset?

THE SACRIFICER:

  • You repeatedly have partners who verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abuse you.
  • You have noticed that your partner’s moods tend to leap, without warning, from one end of the spectrum to the other.
  • You often fear that one wrong move could trigger your partner to get angry and begin an abusive cycle.
  • You see yourself as trapped and betrayed in your relationships; you feel too guilty to leave and too afraid of what your partner might do if you tried to do so.
  • You try to excuse your partner’s abusive behaviour by saying things like, “It only happened once,” or “He/ she only does it when he gets mad.”
  • You eventually begin to wonder if you’re going insane, because your partner does such an able job of putting the blame on you
  • You lose your grasp on what normal behaviour in a relationship looks like and fear that the abuse has damaged you to the point that future healthy lovers wouldn’t want to be with you.
  • You believe your partner is treating you the way you deserve to be treated..
  • The constant abuse convinces you there is nothing you can do to avoid it.

ASK YOURSELF 

  1. Has anyone ever mistreated you verbally / physically / sexually ? If not, how have you avoided relationships with such partners?
  2. What would you do if someone new were to abuse you in some way ?
  3. What do you think is the hardest type of abuse to spot in other people’s relationships ?
  4. What would be the hardest type of abuse to spot in your own relationship ?

In the next article I shall look at what causes these relationship patterns to come about and what to do to move away from them and discover the love you deserve.

This article was inspired by the book : Dr Seth Love Prescription. Overcome Repeated Relationship Patterns by Seth Meyers.

How to manifest the life you want

The truth about manifesting

Imagine you are sitting in the middle of a dark theatre. Then suddenly a spot light appears.  The only thing you can see is whatever the spotlight shines its light upon. That is your reality. You may think that is all reality but the truth is it is only a fraction of it. You decide where to point the light and wherever you do that’s what you get ! The universe is a mirror of us. Our external reality is a reflection of our internal reality. The world reflects back to you whatever you believe about it and your place in it.

Are you getting the opposite of what you want ?

Imagine you are the captain of a ship sailing on the wide open ocean. The crew follows your orders to the letter. You just need to tell it where to go. But instead of telling it where you want to go you keep on telling it where you don’t. “I don’t want to go to Hell Island! it’s full of horrible people there and there is nothing to eat and the weather is terrible all year round! No, I don’t want to go to Hell Island! Please don’t take me there!”

Guess where you end up going ? The crew doesn’t know where else to take you, all they hear is “Hell Island! Hell Island”!

So stop asking for what you don’t want and focus on its opposite: What you do want. 

Asking for what you want…

Some people use this simple principle to try to attract to themselves what their ego wants in their life. More money, a better job, a mate, you name it. And although there is nothing wrong with wanting these things, if the request comes from your ego you may end up in trouble when you do get what you asked for. This is because the ego tries to get you ‘stuff’ based on a dream, a fantasy of what getting that stuff will be like. Often we have no idea what that really would entail and it might just be the opposite of what would make us happy !

What if I don’t know what I want ?

The other problem is that we often have no idea what we really want, and that’s because the ego has no idea what would satisfy our deeper needs. It hears ideas about money or fame or having children or achievement as the ultimate goals that will bring it happiness and believes the story. The problem is that’s just a story and what makes somebody else happy might not make you happy. The ego doesn’t know what would make you happy. Only your deeper self does. (More on this later, read on)

I don’t have enough money…

Many people think that if only they had more money then everything would be ok. There are many problems with this:

  1.  money is a means to an end and not an end in itself so you’d be better off asking for the end object or service than money itself. ie. “I want to go on holiday to the Bahamas”, not “I want money to buy a ticket to go to the Bahamas”.
  2. asking for money reflects the idea that we don’t have enough. If you believe that you don’t have enough then the universe will register that and will keep on giving you more of the same. Instead try to focus on being grateful for what the many blessings you already have and you’ll get more of those.
  3. too often underneath the idea that you don’t have enough lies the basic insecurity that you aren’t enough. And if you aren’t enough, anything you get is not going to be enough. So you are just stuck in a scarcity mentality.

Fear vs Freedom

What to do instead ? The solution to this conundrum is to surrender to the higher self, the inner teacher, the part of us that is much bigger and wiser than our ego. This inner voice, the inner counsel always knows what is best for us in a way that might even frighten the ego. This is because the ego wants safety at all costs, while our higher self wants our ultimate growth, happiness and freedom to expand out of our comfort zone. You will be most aware of the difference between the ego and the higher self when you have a decision to make.

Your ‘head’ will always counsel you towards safety. Your ‘heart’ will always counsel you towards expansion. Your head tries to keep you small. Your heart wants you to grow. But growing can be scary, because you are entering unknown territory, so if you feel a little scared of what one of the inner voices is telling you to do you might just have tapped into the wisdom your heart.

How to be happy

So listening to your ‘heart’ (or your inner teacher, wise counsel, higher self, sometimes also experienced as God) is the way forward.

But what if you cannot hear the voice of the inner self ?  It is hard to listen to the inner voice if you are surrounded by constant distraction and never spend a moment looking inside. Facebook, mobile phones, TVs are pulling our attention away from the inner voice on a regular basis.

A simple practice to connect to your Inner Guidance

  1. Switch everything off, sit down (or lie down) and be still
  2. Take a few deep breaths and relax for a few minutes.
  3. Go to a place of peace or stillness in your mind and allow yourself to feel your feelings. Do not try to feel differently from what you are feeling, just accept whatever it is you are feeling.
  4. If you notice the feeling is negative , while accepting what you are feeling, imagine what you’d like to feel instead, as if your life were already perfect.  Connect to this reality and let yourself experience it as if it were already real.
  5. Ask for your Inner Teacher to appear. Maybe it is just a presence, a feeling, or a knowing or maybe you can even see it.  When you are connected to the inner wiser self ask: What feels like the right thing to do for me to bring about this change ? What is going to get me closer to what I want ? What feels right ?
  6. Now listen and make space to receive. Open your heart to its wisdom.

If your analytical mind is interfering with the process by distracting you with judgements you need to relax more and pay no heed to its criticisms. It’s just the ego getting scared and trying to protect you from the unknown. You can reassure yourself you’ll listen to it later. But for now pay attention only to the exercise. Drop your judgements and connect to the deeper truth of the present moment.

Follow these steps and you’ll access the most valuable teacher and therapist you’ll ever have. The coach that knows you the best. Remember this is a PRACTICE. You don’t run a marathon by going to the gym once. You need to keep at it and commit until you get the results you want.

Remember, it is never the experiences we have that keep us stuck but the judgements about them. It is the resistance to feeling our feelings. Move into the feeling and trust it has something invaluable to teach you.

For more articles on related topics see

How to be Happy

You are what you believe